Maybe Even Happy

• Trigger Warnings

  Cussing. Implied SA/kidnapping.

Dear Mom,

I have to go away for awhile- I'll explain in due time. For now, just know that I love you and I care for you very much.

–    Bean

Dear Mom,

Me again! These past few weeks have been so very hectic. I have so much to tell you, but first, you need to know that Adam has invited me to go on a trip to Hawaii with him, and I've taken a leave of absence and said yes! I don't know how long we'll be gone, but I'll come see you as soon as I get back!

And don't you dare be mad! I would have told you sooner, but, like I said, this month has been a whirlwind! Just know that I'm super excited and I can't wait for you to meet my new boyfriend! (I'm sure you'll think it's too early to tell, but I'm telling you now, this guy's the one... :))

Now, doubtless you're wondering who this Adam person is? I met him at work. Not that he works with me- he was a customer. I remember when he first came in, though, he had this look about him. He's not exactly handsome, but, you know, cute in the right light. He came up to the counter and he looked me dead in the eye and he said, "I'd like a caramel cold brew, half sweet, half ice." Those were the first words he said to me. Can you imagine?

He said his order pretty authoritatively, probably louder than he intended. He admitted later that he hadn't meant to come off so aggressive, but he thought I was pretty and it was making him nervous. Isn't that funny? I was nervous, too.

So anyways, I made him his drink and then he paid and then he left, a typical exchange, except, well... I felt a little glum afterwards, to be honest, which is unusual. I mean, it's not like I knew him or anything, but there was just something there, something that clicked, and I regretted not taking the chance to ask him a question or two, to probe his mind a bit, yaknow? In retrospect, I suppose a part of me was worried I wouldn't ever get to see him again...

Thankfully, the next day, he came back.

"Caramel cold brew, half sweet, half ice?" I asked.

"You remembered my order!" he exclaimed. He was very happy about that. He smiled at me. He had nice teeth.

"Of course I did!" I said. I made him his drink and he tipped me handsomely, probably a little more than I deserved. Just as he was slipping the twenty into the tip jar, we locked eyes. It made things a little awkward.

"Why don't you come sit with me and we can chat?" he said.

I told him I'd like that, but I had to work.

"How 'bout after your shift?" he suggested.

I said I'd love to, but I had a thing I had to get to, which wasn't exactly true, but I was so flustered I got the dates confused. It was an honest mistake. In any case, I apologized and he went on his way.

Only afterwards did I realize what a dunce I'd been, not giving him my number! He must have thought I was a real frigid bitch! I felt bad about it for the rest of the day, and I wondered if he didn't hate me. Come night-time, I could barely sleep, plagued by how we'd left things, going over and over the interaction in my head. What if it was our last? What if he never came back? What if he never forgave me?

(Spoiler alert: he did!)

Anywho, on our third meeting, he asked me about my screenplay.

"How'd you know I was writing a screenplay?" I asked.

Ducking his head, he shyly confessed how he'd seen me at a different coffee shop chiseling away at my manuscript.

"Did you follow me?" I asked. I meant it to come across flirtatiously, but it sounded more like an accusation. I need to learn to control my tone! I mean, you can't be too careful in this day and age, and sure, there are times that kind of aggression is warranted, but this is Adam we're talking about! I knew I could trust him even before I knew his name! If he saw me at a different café, it was probably just a coincidence... (then again, if he did follow me, would that be so bad? Who doesn't want a handsome not-so-secret admirer, amirite ladies?)

Anyways, thankfully, Adam didn't take offense to my stupid comment, but it did make him nervous and served to railroad whatever conversation we might have had, this to such an extent that he merely paid for his coffee and left. Stupid girl! What was I thinking! I was giving him the impression I didn't like him, when really, it was just the opposite! And not only that, but I'd neglected to give him my number once again!

After my shift I went to one of the other cafes I often habituate to clear my head, and thank the lord, my favorite writing nook was free. Settling in, I pulled out my laptop and got to work. Or tried to, at least, but of course, my thoughts kept returning to Adam and what he must have thought of me. Was I deluding myself into the thinking I even stood a chance with a guy like that? Did he feel anywhere near the same spark I had? Who could say? All I knew was that I really wanted to see him again.

I had been parked in my seat for about an hour, making little progress, when my unsung wish was granted. I turned my head and sure enough, there Adam was, a few tables down, his head in a book. Of course- he just had to be a reader! Simultaneously bolstered, and yet distracted by his presence, I etched away at my screenplay for twenty more minutes, occasionally glancing over to see if he was still there.

Adam tried to make like he wasn't peeking, stealing the odd, disparate glances my way before quickly averting his gaze. It took a few tries, but I caught him in the act. Our eyes met. He couldn't deny it. I couldn't deny it. It was... simple chemistry.

I closed my MacBook and smiled slyly to myself. If he wanted to play hard to get, well, two can play at that game. Heading home, I figured, what the hell, if he's serious about me – which I sincerely hope he is – then I can expect to see him tomorrow.

But, of course, the next day's morning rush couldn't come fast enough, and when Adam didn't show around his usual time, I began to dismay. It wouldn't be until near the end of my shift that he put in an appearance. This time, there was no line, and so no need to hurry. We could revel in each other's company, even, if only, for a moment.

Right off the bat, I mentioned how I'd seen Adam at the other café- did he often go there, too?

He said he did, that he liked their setup, that it was conducive to his thought process, but that he preferred the coffees made by my hand. He said how, not to mention, I was his favorite barista.

Was he trying to make me blush? If so, it was working.

I graciously accepted his compliment, or wanted to, but the words wouldn't come out. My nerves were all jumbled, butterflies were bouncing around my stomach. I could barely string a sentence together, let alone bow my head, and so rather than make a fool of myself, I just barked out, "The usual?"

"Yes," Adam said. "But this time, instead of half ice, could you cut each individual ice cube in half?"

I realized afterwards that this was intended as a joke – a funny one, at that! – but I was so delirious, tipsy, lovelorn, you name it, that it just didn't register! In the moment, I didn't laugh! He must have thought it went over my head. Ha! He must have thought I was so fucking stupid.

Thinking back, it is legitimately embarrassing though; I cringe in remembrance. Literally! Then again, he's told me in the time since that I'm too hard on myself. That he would have loved me the same either way, if I'd gotten his objectively funny joke or not.

In any case, once again, Adam left, and once again, I forgot to give him my digs!

To my relief, later, when I arrived at my usual cafe, there he was again, sitting in my nook. Rather than join him, I opted for a different table, forcing his hand. He left me to my lonesome for thirty excruciating minutes, doubtlessly assuming I was hard at work, when really, all my thoughts were occupied by him.

Just when I was beginning to think he wouldn't make a move after all, cursing myself for not getting next to him when I had the chance, I look up, and who do I find sitting right across from me?

"Working on the script?" he ventured timidly.

I gulped, suddenly stricken, self-conscious. Obviously, I wanted nothing more than to tell him about my idea, but what if he thought it was dumb? Would he keep it to himself? Would he ridicule me? Men have been less than supportive of my dreams before, and though I knew deep down Adam was different, another part of me doubted that I knew as much as I thought I did, especially considering I didn't really 'know' Adam yet, if that makes sense.

And so... I put up my guard. I got defensive. I said if he was following me, could he please just stop. The second the words left my lips, I felt terrible about it, but there was no going back.

Adam ducked his head sheepishly. To his credit, he didn't even get offended, or angry. He just apologized and left.

I should have been the one to say sorry! I don't know what came over me, I was so mean! All the next week, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat. Adam kept his distance. I was sure I'd driven him off for good this time, that he'd never want to see me again! During the days, I put on a brave face, but at home, I cried all through the night.

Sooner or later, the paranoia set in. What if he was gone for good? I started going a little crazy, withdrawing into my figurative shell. Unless a trip involved work or groceries, I just never went out, and especially not after dark, if I could help it. I started shrieking at shadows on the street, getting startled by every little thing. Remember I called you, the night I raced home, saying how I thought someone was following me? In retrospect, I was definitely just projecting. What can I say? I'm cray.

But can you blame me? As the nights grew longer and the days grew shorter, Adam's image was looming ever larger. Though he had yet to swing by and order another caramel cold brew, half sweet, half ice in the time since our first, and only, argument – if you can call it that – I held out hope he would return. Every shift, I kept an eye out for him, and I asked my co-workers to, too. If only he would allow me the chance to redeem myself for my actions. To apologize.

I had it all planned out, our eventual reconciliation- what I would say, how it would end. I imagined him swooping me up in his arms, planting a kiss upon my forehead, and then... some things perhaps best left unwritten (I'm getting hot just thinking about it...). But in order for that to happen, he would have to come find me.

Well, wouldn't you know it, ten days after our fight, I had the closing shift. Upon locking up, I was walking home alone when I caught sight of Adam hovering by a streetlight. Before I realized it was him, he was upon me. His clothes were wrinkled, his hair ragged. He looked like he hadn't slept in a week.

Then again, so did I.

All at once, gasping at the sight of him, I was swept up in a flurry of conflicting emotions. I wanted to get down on my knees and spew out my apology, the one I'd spent countless hours rehearsing in my head. I wanted to succumb to his animal magnetism, his sigmatic mystique. I wanted to rake my hands through his stubble and climb him like a tree.

Instead, "What are you doing here?!" I demanded. (I know, I know I need to work on my tone.)

"It's dangerous alone at night," he said. "Do you mind if I walk you home?"

My heart ballooned. After all the shit I'd put him through, he just wanted to protect me! I could have kissed him! I should have. Should have sealed the deal, there and then. Should have acted on that integral, baser part of me.

At the very least, I should have said I was sorry.

But I didn't. Couldn't. I guess I'm just not that kind of girl.

No. I am well-versed in the art of self-sabotage, let me tell you, but what I did next... it went beyond the scope. I'm lucky Adam's such a patient man. I'm lucky he's so kind and generous (remember the twenty dollar tip?). If he wasn't, I surely wouldn't be here right now. By his side.

He just wanted to protect me.

A part of me doesn't want to even say what happened next, but I said what I said, and I did what I did, and in the interest of full disclosure, I think I should get it all down. Adam thinks some self-reflection will be to my benefit. Le sigh. Here goes nothing...

Feigning self-righteous indignation, unable to reconcile my guilt with my overwhelming desire for Adam, for his body (you have to understand, I've never felt this way about a man), well, it's safe to say I worked myself up into a right old tizzy. I couldn't handle the truth. Part of me still believed that he would be like all the other boys, that he would leave me in the end, and I just couldn't take that. 'Not this time,' I thought. And then something came over me. Suddenly, I was taken up with a rage as immaculate as if he actually had. Left me, that is. And so I went on the offensive.

"Leave me alone!" I said, helicoptering my arms. "Stay away from me!"

Or, you know, something to that effect.

Adam was taken aback. He tried to reach for my hand, to console me, to tell me everything would be okay, to take a deep breath and accept what the two of us knew deep down to be true. That we were destined. That we were to be.

But I'd been hurt before, don't you understand? In Adam, I saw the amalgamation of every man who's ever injured me, and I lashed out. It was silly, I'll admit. Swiping my nails, I scratched his cheek and ran off like a crazy person.

What was I thinking?! Where were these feelings coming from! We barely knew each other, how could we be in love! How could I trust that he loved me? That only happens in movies!

And so I ran. I ran because I was smitten. I ran because I couldn't face the facts, because as much as I wanted him to hold me, as much as I wanted to cling to him, as much as I wanted his hot, throbbing cock inside of me that very second... I was also afraid. Afraid of the unknown. Afraid of what would happen next. Most of all, afraid of being left alone again.

I'm such a stupid fucking cunt, aren't I?! A stupid, stupid, fucking cunt! Why did I have to do that?! Any man would have been wise to run away, but Adam saw through the hysterics! He'd peeled back the layers and seen me for me, the real me, and he wasn't appalled or disgusted- to the contrary, unlike every other man I've dated, he never wanted to look away.

And so he chased me. Chased me down the street, whispering apologies.

But I was out of my head. I wouldn't listen to reason. I screamed. I've always been a bit of an actress, and once I commit to a part, it's hard to break out of that mindset. And besides, my period was affecting my thought process.

Adam caught up to me on the corner just outside my apartment, raising his hands to placate me like I was some unbroken horse. Which, in a way, I was, I suppose. Oh mother, I said the darnedest things! I called him crazy. A creep. I spit and gnashed at his face. Why?! Why I can't just let myself be happy? He was just trying to be nice!

And I hurt his feelings, I know I did! I called him ugly! I called him a freak! He looked so distraught, it was hard not to just give in, to wrap my arms around him, to invite him to my bed. But we all have our roles to play.

Seizing my wrists, he pinned me to his chest. "You don't need to be afraid," he said. "I love you."

No! I couldn't have that. Wouldn't have him tricking me! I was so scared. I didn't know what to do- what he would do. Run away? Leave me like all the others?! The bastard!

"Please leave me alone," I shouted. Here he was, confessing his love, and here I was, resisting! I was just so overwhelmed. I couldn't breath! I couldn't see! What didn't he understand?

I wanted to tell him that I was just a stupid, pent-up whore and he'd be better off if he stayed far, far away. That a dirty whore was all I'd ever be. That he deserved better. That I didn't know any better. That I could never live up to his expectations. That he would leave me, like everyone else, in the end. What choice did I have? It was that or pull back the curtains, let him see me for what I really am.

He wouldn't listen, mother! He told me he loved me, again and again, and I pushed him away, again and again, unable to face the reality of the situation. I was a coward. I cried. I wrapped my fist around my house key and punched him square in the cheek! Now why did I do that?! He didn't deserve that! But he didn't care. He forgave me. All that mattered, in that moment, was my knowing how much I meant to him.

Breaking free of his hug, one last time, I tried to flee. But I slipped and fell. He swopped in. Caught me. He caught me, mom. Held me in his arms, cradled me to his chest, told me to let it all out, that everything would be okay in the end. We belonged together, after all. It was all part of God's plan.

At first I struggled and thrashed, but then I relented. I couldn't hold back. Tears of joy flooded my cheeks as I imagined our life together. Us, sitting in matching rocking chairs, cozied up by the fireplace, doting on our grandkids. A little house by the lake, me penning screenplays, Adam chopping firewood, just like I always dreamed. Side by side. Hand in hand. Together. Forever.

Maybe it doesn't matter that I turned out to be such a bitch. Maybe, one day, I'll outgrow these petty, childish shenanigans. Maybe one day I'll be calmer. More grateful. Less prone to these... incessant fucking outbursts. Certainly less goddamn erratic.

I don't know if I'll ever outgrow myself- if I'll ever overcome my, as Adam calls them, womanly, wanton ways, but I can try. Adam will help me. And maybe, even if a cabin in the woods isn't in the cards for us, I can take stock in what I have and be content. Free. Appreciative. Maybe even happy.

A love like ours doesn't come along all too often. We have a duty to try, don't we?

I love you, he whispered. I love you, I love you, I love you.

At long last, I whimpered it back.

In the dim glow of a street lamp, we kissed for the first time, a kiss like none I've ever had.

Oh, mother...

It was everything I ever imagined.

After that, Adam took me home. I told him I loved him, but that I needed some time to wrap my head around things, by which I meant us. He was understanding. Always is. Of course, that didn't stop me from masturbating as soon as I stepped in the door.

It's been a week now, can you believe it? Time sure flies when you're in love. And now we're going on vacation! Adam has a work thing, and I have some money saved up, so it just fits! Who knows, maybe we'll even elope while we're out there (I kid!) When we do get married, of course I want you and dad to be there...

Anywho, don't worry about me, I'll just be out having the time of my life! We have so much planned these next few weeks, I don't know how we'll make room for sleep... among other things (wink, wink). I'm sure I'll have a lot to tell you when I get back.

Oh mother... I'm so glad he didn't give up on me. I'm so glad I gave love a chance.

Don't wait up! We'll talk soon! I can't wait for the entire family to meet him!

‘Til then, I love you, and I care for you.

Yours forever,

Bean